Oy Vey!

Three friends gone in less than a month...my God...one to MS...one to who knows what, drank herself to death I'm thinking and the other to suicide. My heart grieves for all of them..especially Lisa.. I recently finished re-reading Dante's Inferno. Extremely interesting the 2nd time around. Alex Hamm has not been moved to the state facility yet. He remains in Roanoke City Jail. Oh well. At least he's in jail. I find myself thinking about Anthony it seems, more and more. The fact that he is in a coffin, in a grave is highly disturbing to me. How can he be in a grave? How can my precious lie in a coffin? Beneath mounds and mounds of dirt. Underground. And not coming back? My mind, as much as it has tried to create a buffer from insanity, by thinking "well, maybe he's just gone skiing..or skydiving again and he's coming right back" is faltering in that facade. It's cracking under the pressures that my lonely, devastated sister places upon me daily. I said to the other, just this week, I said, You know, I've offered help and guidance and support to her, to help her through this...but...who is supporting me? Who is here providing ME with guidance or a shoulder to cry on...or just lay my head upon? My ex is many negative things, but one positive I can think of about him is the fact that he truly was good at consoling me--at one time that is. The months prior to our separation, when my mother was terribly ill and dying, he was ...not. He was absorbed in himself and seeking out the destruction of our marriage. So, during *that* time, he was nowhere to be found... But times before that, say, when my stepfather died, he was extremely consoling and supportive. And...I miss having someone like that right now. I don't miss HIM but I miss having the support. Was it hard losing so much in so little time? Absolutely. Within 12 months of 2009, I lost my mother, my family pet of 15 yrs, my marriage, a dear friend and my daughters love of her life...in one year. I also changed jobs. And moved. In one year. The following year I think I moved 4 times. And lost a lot of sleep. The next year I moved again. Lost more sleep. Lost some people that ran in my life and then ran out and disappeared. Changed jobs again... So...in a nutshell, I feel very much stuck right now. I have recently done some pruning on my tree of life, hoping that by shedding the vines that are dead and no longer producing anything productive, that I can begin to repair what I've done over the past couple of years that was detrimental to myself. It truly hangs in a balance tho. Because I don't want to be a bitch about it, but in the same token, I need to be left alone. I cannot move forward when someone has their hand twisted around my arm trying to pull me backwards. You can't go back. When the love is gone, it's gone. I said to them, do the right thing for once and fix things. Coming here next month on a whim, is NOT fixing things. I didn't mean FIX ME. I meant FIX THEM. I also was told oh, about a month or so ago that I am insecure. And immature. That. was. harsh. Way harsh. Hit in the gut harsh. Because quite frankly, who the hell isn't from time to time? No matter the age eh? So, sure, I'm insecure sometimes...but that doesn't mean I trust NO ONE. It doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and stammer over why I'm hearing from you every second of the day. I didn't even get a chance to explain what all happened to cause me to react like I did over not hearing something. You don't message someone daily for a whole week and then NOTHING. In MY world that means oh my God, something could have happened to them? And I instantly become worried. I'm not worried that ohmygod they don't want me now, I'm worried because something could have happened to that person, fallen ill, someone died, etc. But, it's a moot point now. And am I immature? I suppose at times, I can be. But, I have been through hell and back, and I find myself to be very mature given the crap that I've been through and witnessed in my 43 years on this earth. Things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I guess my point in all this, is...life just really sucks ass sometimes. But I am trying so hard to make it what I can. It's the only one I get. I'm not an immortal. And I do not believe in cell regeneration so...one day I'll be dead and gone and someone will stumble upon this and say wow...wish I could have known this chick. And believe me, you will...because I'm pretty groovy, if you just give it a chance to know me. I'm a bit standoffish at first but then I slowly let my guard down and dance around a little bit. Then the fun begins! Although it seems lately, it takes more and more for someone to get me to let my guard down. Because I'm in the Giving Up Stage right now. Oh not on life, but on..companionship. I don't even dare mention love...I don't even know what that is anymore, from a male perspective that is. I love my family etc but loving another man? Don't know if it's possible anymore. To quote The Mouse Detective as Emily and I just laughed about this the other day, "I don't know, but he had a peg leg" Ahhhh yeah.