If it doesn't belong to you, let it go...when hope no longer floats..

I have a few things in my life that doesn't really belong to me. Not material things. Other types of things. I think I have some emotions that don't really belong to me...I have some connections that aren't mine either. I have love that I've scattered to the ends of the earth and back but I don't think it was really mine to give away. And if there was any love laying out there for me to gather back, it certainly doesn't belong to me now. I have been sitting in a very anxious mode of patience. Yes. Anxious. Mode. Of. Patience. I'm anxiously trying to be patient. And it's not working very well. And it's to the point NOW, where I'm starting to lose interest and lose my will to even care anymore. I'm losing ..hope. So..hope didn't ever really belong to me. So I'm letting it go.

Oh Natalie...how do you know my heart so well????????

more from Natalie Walker... Quicksand I must have been so stupid I must have been so out of touch He must have been so clever Convincing me that this was really love Desperate for words, lost in a maze, It fell apart, I lost my place, It hurt so bad, I cried for days Time healed all pain, now I'm okay How many times can my heart break, Disillusioned by the thought of flawless love? Will I ever get there or am I drowning in Quicksand, waiting on relief to come? Desperate for words, lost in a maze, It fell apart, I lost my place, It hurt so bad, I cried for days Time healed all pain, now I'm okay I'll rise from all my sorrow, Let the sun shine on my face All alone in comfort, It's my solitude I will embrace I will rise from the sorrow

Natalie Walker Who? Where have you been all my life??

Holy crap...this chick is AMAZING. This song is FANTABULOUS...OHMY. It makes me have very naughty thoughts...wow. The lyrics are great but the music..is just so...THERE. In the moment THERE. WHOA. Hypnotize me Stupefied Yea you've got me stupefied Hypnotized Oh you've got me hypnotized The way he moved will never leave my mind He hypnotized me And now I'm on this high Stupefied Yea you've got me stupefied Hypnotized Oh you've got me hypnotized When our eyes met I knew I could never look away I could feel his heat and I began to shake I never knew a man could have such an effect He shook me up Now I'll never be the same Do you feel the power of what you're doing to me I am helpless to your touch Your electricity I never knew a man could have such an effect You shook me up Now I'll never be the same You shook me up You shook me You shook me up You shook me

it's official...

I. Am. Done.

The Warmth by Incubus

I'd like to close my eyes, go numb But there's a cold wind coming from The top of the highest high rise today It's not a breeze 'cuz it blows hard Yes and it wants me to discard The humanity I know, watched the warmth blow away So don't let the world bring you down Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold Remember why you came and while you're alive Experience the warmth before you grow old So do you think I should adhere To that pressing new frontier And leave in my wake, a trail of fear Should I hold my head up high? And throw a wrench and spokes by I'm leaving the air behind me clear So don't let the world bring you down Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold Remember why you came and while you're alive Experience the warmth before you grow, before you grow old Where did it go? I think this Warmth has separated itself from my body permanently. I have not had the Warmth in many, many years....and I do not believe it is mine to ever feel again. I think Brian was right when he said what he did to me, about this Warmth...it's no longer mine to have. And when I actually let that thought sink into my brain, it truly, really, makes me want to lay down on the ground and pull the grass up over me till it reaches my head to cover. And of all the things in the world, I never dreamt this would be the one thing I will die without. The only thing I've ever wanted in my whole life. And it's become the hardest thing to ask for. The hardest thing to search for. And the hardest thing to admit. Because unlike the lyric..everyone really is fucked up and cold. Everyone.

Oy Vey!

Three friends gone in less than a month...my God...one to MS...one to who knows what, drank herself to death I'm thinking and the other to suicide. My heart grieves for all of them..especially Lisa.. I recently finished re-reading Dante's Inferno. Extremely interesting the 2nd time around. Alex Hamm has not been moved to the state facility yet. He remains in Roanoke City Jail. Oh well. At least he's in jail. I find myself thinking about Anthony it seems, more and more. The fact that he is in a coffin, in a grave is highly disturbing to me. How can he be in a grave? How can my precious lie in a coffin? Beneath mounds and mounds of dirt. Underground. And not coming back? My mind, as much as it has tried to create a buffer from insanity, by thinking "well, maybe he's just gone skiing..or skydiving again and he's coming right back" is faltering in that facade. It's cracking under the pressures that my lonely, devastated sister places upon me daily. I said to the other, just this week, I said, You know, I've offered help and guidance and support to her, to help her through this...but...who is supporting me? Who is here providing ME with guidance or a shoulder to cry on...or just lay my head upon? My ex is many negative things, but one positive I can think of about him is the fact that he truly was good at consoling me--at one time that is. The months prior to our separation, when my mother was terribly ill and dying, he was ...not. He was absorbed in himself and seeking out the destruction of our marriage. So, during *that* time, he was nowhere to be found... But times before that, say, when my stepfather died, he was extremely consoling and supportive. And...I miss having someone like that right now. I don't miss HIM but I miss having the support. Was it hard losing so much in so little time? Absolutely. Within 12 months of 2009, I lost my mother, my family pet of 15 yrs, my marriage, a dear friend and my daughters love of her life...in one year. I also changed jobs. And moved. In one year. The following year I think I moved 4 times. And lost a lot of sleep. The next year I moved again. Lost more sleep. Lost some people that ran in my life and then ran out and disappeared. Changed jobs again... So...in a nutshell, I feel very much stuck right now. I have recently done some pruning on my tree of life, hoping that by shedding the vines that are dead and no longer producing anything productive, that I can begin to repair what I've done over the past couple of years that was detrimental to myself. It truly hangs in a balance tho. Because I don't want to be a bitch about it, but in the same token, I need to be left alone. I cannot move forward when someone has their hand twisted around my arm trying to pull me backwards. You can't go back. When the love is gone, it's gone. I said to them, do the right thing for once and fix things. Coming here next month on a whim, is NOT fixing things. I didn't mean FIX ME. I meant FIX THEM. I also was told oh, about a month or so ago that I am insecure. And immature. That. was. harsh. Way harsh. Hit in the gut harsh. Because quite frankly, who the hell isn't from time to time? No matter the age eh? So, sure, I'm insecure sometimes...but that doesn't mean I trust NO ONE. It doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and stammer over why I'm hearing from you every second of the day. I didn't even get a chance to explain what all happened to cause me to react like I did over not hearing something. You don't message someone daily for a whole week and then NOTHING. In MY world that means oh my God, something could have happened to them? And I instantly become worried. I'm not worried that ohmygod they don't want me now, I'm worried because something could have happened to that person, fallen ill, someone died, etc. But, it's a moot point now. And am I immature? I suppose at times, I can be. But, I have been through hell and back, and I find myself to be very mature given the crap that I've been through and witnessed in my 43 years on this earth. Things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I guess my point in all this, is...life just really sucks ass sometimes. But I am trying so hard to make it what I can. It's the only one I get. I'm not an immortal. And I do not believe in cell regeneration so...one day I'll be dead and gone and someone will stumble upon this and say wow...wish I could have known this chick. And believe me, you will...because I'm pretty groovy, if you just give it a chance to know me. I'm a bit standoffish at first but then I slowly let my guard down and dance around a little bit. Then the fun begins! Although it seems lately, it takes more and more for someone to get me to let my guard down. Because I'm in the Giving Up Stage right now. Oh not on life, but on..companionship. I don't even dare mention love...I don't even know what that is anymore, from a male perspective that is. I love my family etc but loving another man? Don't know if it's possible anymore. To quote The Mouse Detective as Emily and I just laughed about this the other day, "I don't know, but he had a peg leg" Ahhhh yeah.