Hmmm...

so...I have this plastic backscratcher...and a minute ago I was holding it and smacking the end of it on my hand...and a vivid, electrical thought came to my mind...a WHAT IF moment if you will...WHAT IF I were a dominatrix? So...hmmm...what if.....

what would my name be? I can't be Mistress Amanda...that is just...not sensual...or dominating...NOR is Mistress Mandy..I feel 5 when I hear the name Mandy...and for the most part loathe that nickname. Mistress Elizabeth...naw...too gay...so I turned to the everfaithful Google to help me in my search for the PERFECT Mistress name...

"mistress names" I google...and the first name I see after the search is complete, has NOTHING to do with being a dom, but it's the name Martha. Yeah. Martha.

Maaaaaaaaaaaartha...oh yes...the sister of Lazarus...the sister of my late babysitter...the lady in my mom's church who draws her lipstick on her lips in a block shape instead of following the natural curve of her lips....

Mistress Martha...yeeeeeeeeeeeees...I'm Mistress Martha...I'll be your dita tonight..."smacks the riding crop aka backscratcher on hand"....you must obey me...or you'll be puuuuuuuunished....do you want me to punish you? Do you want me to seduce you? Is that what you're trying to tell me?

Oh wait...that last part is from The Graduate...silly me!

I'd want one of those face masks, like Kitka wore in Batman and Robin! WOOT! I want leather...and bitch boots...and a riding crop...I also want a really wild punkish wig. Or or or ...how about a Cleopatra wig? Yeah!! I don't want anyone wearing a diaper that they expect me to change though..that is just sick.

Just run around and do stuff I tell you to do...like, fix me some tea...mop my kitchen...feed the dog...ohoh and grocery shop..yeah...and pay my bills...no, SEW me a blanket out of all my bills...and put me to bed...read me a story...I want to hear Bartholomew and the Oobleck....and get my Raggedy Ann out of the closet for me too...

somehow this just doesn't sound right...but hey...do I ever say anything that sounds right? I don't think so...

ps...I'm fatter today.

I love Bryan Ferry more than cheesecake!

I FINALLY downloaded Out Of The Blue by Roxy Music tonight and I'm STOKED. I love love love that song. I rented a dvd through Netflix of them in Paris and oh my god, it only took a few minutes before I was DANCING in my bedroom like some kind of African Queen...I was all over the room and when this song came on, well...I jumped on my bed. Yeah..I'm 37 years old..and I climbed up in my bed and danced on it...and jumped. It's a wonder my FAT BUTT didn't break the bed.
I would love to meet Bryan Ferry...but what would I say to him? The common cliche? "I love your music! It saved my life in 1997! It kept me from eating myself to death in 1985! It led me to therapy in 2001! BRYAN I LOVE YOU!"
UM...yeah..not. I mean, I haven't a clue what I would say to him...I wouldn't really want to say the normal kinds of crack things people say....he's heard it 1000000000000000000000 times...
AAAAAAG! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! The song just CUT OFF right at the ending part which is what I love the most! It's when Lucy just GRINDS on her violin!!! WHINES!!!


i'm fat.